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(no subject)  
03:33am 03/04/2012
I really don't know what I'm supposed to feel, but I feel angry because someone decided that I didn't care simply because I didn't notice them around or not around. Apparently not noticing someone means that a person doesn't care. I really don't understand how that can be taken so personally. Everyone has a life of their own and it's up to each individual person to share what's going on in their life in order for the other to know what's going on. I am not a damn mind reader! It also means nobody's gonna guess when I wanna do something either, and that's where the confusion sets in as I'm not sure what to feel about my failure to communicate those things, but honestly I never know when to communicate that I'd rather run around padded because it's always taken sexually even when I don't want it to be taken sexually.

I can't count the number of times I'd ask what's wrong and not get an answer until I get something that's automatically determined about me (and sometimes it's DEAD WRONG). It's infuriating. I'm not saying those who need to be talking with me should do it verbally. I'm just saying that it needs to be done every now and then, and it's much easier when done reguarly.

For the record, this will happen again. It's that annoying brick wall often talked about between people of our types. Things will get bottled up and left unprocessed because one side doesn't want to offend the other and when it finally comes out the other will either be too shocked to believe it was something so simple, wrong, or also bothering them. This lashout that seemingly exists only exists because things got bottled up.

The amusing part is by the time both sides have read this entry, I won't be angry anymore. Just watch. That's why I'm not doing anything else other than writing an entry and going to sleep.
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(no subject)  
10:39pm 10/01/2012
She'll hit herself in the head but not me.  It's cruel to watch... to know it happened... and to know I couldn't do a thing to stop it.  People punish themselves for the strangest things.  Apparently I'm not above that either.  I keep hearing that I could lie to everyone else but not myself.

You know that bit about your emotions can't be trusted?  Apparently that's true for everyone.  I don't say I love Ashley because I feel something.  I say it because I DO it.  Well, as best as I can most days.  And on the days I clearly don't, well, it's because of falling into the same traps as she does.

Today I had to leave because I was either going to keep trying to hurt myself on her or get her to hurt me and force her to watch the way I've been forced to watch.  I couldn't see what that plastic container was outside and mistook it for a cinder block.  I kinda wondered why my hand went right through it at first... found sticks and broke those, then sat in the car until my pulse dropped and I calmed down enough to go back inside. I didn't catch that my hand had been cut by the container until after I got back in, but at least I washed it up and put some aloe on it.

Next, I took a look for stuff on stopping myself from self harm.  Obviously to ultimately knock it off I have to remove the reason why I'm hurting myself in the first place, and the only way I'm doing that is to actually identify what I'm feeling in the first place.  Otherwise seeing the images again and again isn't going to do anything but build up pressure.  So that led to looking for emotion charts.  Apparently Dr Phil of all people has talked about this, but after skimming through the article I just noted this emotion chart that the article linked to.
Emotion chart
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(no subject)  
08:02am 05/11/2011
They say life takes you where you want to go... so if you want good things (and actually pursue them) they will eventually happen.  well, I got the wanting part down.  I'm fantasizing about what I want to do constantly.  If that's "channelling into the mind" I'd have to say that's definitely not repression, because I don't feel burdened by it when it's all done and over with.  And yes, I do remember what it is I thought about and what I wanted before I started fantasizing.  I want her.  Funny how we're around each other all the time yet this ends up something I don't get to do because of surrounding circumstances.  Yeah, I'd be able to motivate myself to do such things if the other wasn't in the picture anymore.  Hell, I don't think I would have ever said I wouldn't go inside before marriage because of it.

Okay how long has THAT been floating around and not admitted?  I think I'm in trouble now.  I don't recall whether that was true when I set it down or not, and I really wonder if I excused myself due to morals and allowed them to get in the way of what I really want.  Or rather, set it down just to ease her mind about morals since she didn't want me breaking them.

Yeah, I think I got about two days of thinking about her before I had to put something down.  And it was more or less because I realized something about how I was going about what I wanted and fantasizing about it.  I bet I still fantasize about it because I haven't given up on the possibility of it later on.  And frankly, I see nothing wrong with hoping for the best (in this case for myself) even as I work for the best for another.
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(no subject)  
07:09pm 19/10/2011
Everyone does the best they can with what they have.  Don't be content with it.  Always seek to improve.

Knowledge that blew my doors wide open?  Maybe I ought to just be myself.  I've been doing the best I can with what I have, and with the people that matter to me.  There's a person I think about an awful lot, and I share what's on my mind, but it's not always being heard or taken seriously.  Is it a bad time to share it?  Or should I just share it anyway and see if it gets heard?  DO I have to be careful about what I share, whether I do things publicly or privately, or can I just share it whenever?

Still finding out the answers to those questions.  Always will be.  One thing I do know is that I'm not content with how good I am and I want to be fucking awesome.  What's been stopping me?  My perceptions of what's allowed and what isn't.  I still don't know about a few of those and I'm gonna test them shortly.  Hey, her perceptions of what's allowed with her and what isn't is being tested with me, and I have a lot of respect for that, but guess what?  If there are any doubts about what I want to do and what I don't want to do I can simply be asked.  I don't have to be experimented on to find out, though I at least acknowledge the fact that it pissed me off in the past, and it's actually a perfectly valid way to find out what someone really thinks of another.

What else has stopped me from being fucking awesome?  Laziness?  Oh, oh, there's something I can do something about right now.  I'm writing this journal now, because it's helping me sort my thoughts and get out what I want to get out and let me discard what I don't want to think.  There.  Doing something just made me more fucking awesome than I was a few minutes ago.

Damn, that was easy.  I wanna do that again.  Let's trry some music.... now I can bop my head to writing a journal entry.  That's pretty badass, I think.  I know!  I'll put that as my status message and see what people on my buddy list think of it.  Miyagi's usually really honest about how he feels about something even when he conducts experiments.  Oh and I just PM'd Wartorn about Zcraft again.  I wanna play on that server again even if it's hosted by Miyagi.

Yeah, affecting people in positive ways sure feels fucking badass... I think I'll keep doing that.
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(no subject)  
07:51pm 16/10/2011
Great, now one of them is unable to admit what I did (or is simply refusing to) and is blaming it on the shadow.

I know what I did.  I may be sorry for it, but that doesn't change the fact I nearly wrenched her shoulder out of place this time.  So now I'm forced to wonder if I've raped her a few times on top of it?  It sounds like she didn't tell me when it happened, but I've been of the impression that every time has been consentual.  PLUS I'm forced to wonder about the times I was told something like this happened while she was with Rob. I mean I don't have any other evidence other than her word.

I need help sorting things out.  I know I am to blame for the shoulder being sore, but everything from before has been called into question because of it.  Am I really the cause of the rapings or is someone else?  Either way, not much can be done about it now... memories are now too twisted to figure out anything.  Maybe someone wants to claw me because I actually DID do something she doesn't like and she's been repressing it for a while now.  Though I wouldn't be surprised if something like this happened in sixth grade for her either making her not want to be here.

Someone had this to say about the one time Rob got told he couldn't have sex with her for a while: I was told that it was because she was thinking of me that she didn't want to do stuff with him at that moment.  Pressure into sex sounds like rape to me, so that's how I addressed it, especially if someone wasn't willing.  No I don't like doing that shit and if I have someone tell me somehow.  But what exactly happened that night?

Also worrying is studies showing hypnosis ineffective in recalling old memories, and large amounts of reluctance in admitting that details were remembered wrong during it.  So.... what the hell was I watching when I saw that psychotherapy room?  They were actually hypnotizing the patient and having false memories implanted into their mind so they would be less afraid to accept the other parts of themselves?!

Psychological medicine IS freaky.  Very freaky indeed.  I for one do not want to be living any sort of lie.  That's why I incessantly check anything I think happened against reality.  Maybe that's why all that we did online feels so distant.  All that we have of it are logs of what was going on, and visual memories of things we saw while it was going on.  None of it is a substitute for reality.  I used to do so much to verify how realistic my fantasies could actually be, but I always acknowledged my fantasies as fantasies.  Just things online could happen more easily than in person as long as they were consentual.

MY MEMORIES SAY I STOPPED HER FROM CHOKING HERSELF AND IN FRUSTRATION FINALLY WRENCHED HER SHOULDER SO SHE COULDN'T CHOKE HERSELF ANYMORE.  I trust my memories because she's got a sore left shoulder, the same one I remember wrenching.  It's only 4 hours since I did that, far too little time for me to remember it incorrectly.  I'm trying to show her why that's such a bad idea even in my frustration- it hurts to die.  I hate feeling helpless against the self destructive nature of one's repression and denial of reality.  Why must MY sanity be tested along with it?  Every single person she has ever met and known in this way has broken down and asked themselves, "WHAT DO I DO?!"

No more going down.  We go up from here on out.  First, we get insurance looked at.  Then, we find someone who can actually help.  Finally, she faces her inner demons and either moves on from them, or gives into them entirely.  Nobody is to send her to the depths without proper instruction and knowledge.  If that means I have to singlehandedly dig up all the information myself, so be it!  I either pass or fail right along with her.  She might even drive me insane as a result.  Just give me the same padded room if that happens.  I'm tired of people leaving her just because of these decisions.  Everyone deserves someone just as insane as they are.

I am partly scared of her leaving me because I finally do something that drives her away from me.  But I won't live in fear of that forever.  I'll eventually know if something I'm doing or something I don't play upon finally happens where she ends up wanting to go... because she'll just do it.

Okay if the point hasn't been made yet by this whole entry, here's a few things one can infer about me:
1. I am thinking a great deal about her and moreso every day.
2. I am concerned for her mental health as she fails to be honest with reality.
3. I wanna marry her despite all the shit and everything that might drive ME to the loony bin.  I respect anyone with that much power.  Besides, I asked her to do it anyway... do I still want to be broken by her?
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(no subject)  
08:39pm 07/10/2011
Note to self: jotting down thoughts and feelings as well as grabbing snippets of material read is more important than fully understanding the material.  Ideas and thoughts can be sorted as a process just like anything else.  Compulsively reading material to avoid writing down important stuff is not.

Now I have to re-read material and jot it down because I do not remember the snippets.  It will be easy to find it but it was time wasted.  Spilled milk, but it's time to go pick Ashley up from work.
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(no subject)  
09:00am 03/07/2011
I have such troubling snippets... it seems the two cannot come to terms with how much they should be in each other's personal space.  It's driving her nuts.  It's driving him nuts. I'm not surprised Raine lashed out at him because he was hurting her.

To think things will change in an environment like that is insanity.  They'll always be at odds with each other and neither will be happy.  So both of their needs are being neglected.  It's only a matter of time before they realize this and break up and this time for good.  The only reason I can spot it is because I'm the only one who's been trusted with enough information to see it.  To expose the behavior in public, do this:
1. have a person who has gone through a rough breakup and can't stand seeing happy couples.  Ashley will not want to be touched out of respect, but Rob will continue to touch anyway despite being told not to.
2. Ask Rob why he touches her and why he expects to be able to touch her.  Listen carefully to his answer.  Do this with Ashley as well and compare her answer.
3. Show concern for her emotional health and spend time roleplaying with her.  The pain of the past will show clearly with it as she will know no other way to act.  She'll practically emote how to speak with her and handle her if you pay close attention.

There is only one hope i can see for their relationship and that is that Rob MUST realize he is in legal trouble with what he is doing to her.  Touching someone when they do not want to be touched especially in the ways he wants to touch her is sexual harassment.  Only then will he be able to make the change that will make her happy.

I sent Zandra after the problem.  We'll see if anything comes of it.  If not... I have to confront Rob about what he's doing to her.  And I have to do this in person... otherwise he will not listen.
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(no subject)  
12:02pm 15/06/2011
Come to me, my Nyoko, come to me,
For he is a fool in his own right.
He pushes when he must yield,
And lets go when he must hold tight.

Come to me, my Nyoko, for I cannot come to you,
While you wear his ring I am held at bay.
Cast off his burden, and be free...
Do not be a slave of your own making.

~ <3 -I love you- <3 ~
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(no subject)  
09:14am 15/06/2011
Sorting some thoughts:
-I work well with Ashley due to us being switches: she is dominant in public and wants someone to play to her childishness and make her happy there.  But, once the setting turns private, she needs someone to lead and be sensitive to her tastes there.  This is where I can play to my thinking skills and make decisions that make her happy while still asserting my dominance.  You see, I am a switch too.
-Rob works well with Geminai because she is dominant and looking for a challenge in someone.  Rob is the kind of guy with a big heart and an even bigger resolve: his inner thinking is amazingly simple.  "If I try hard enough, I'll succeed" he tells himself.  It's easier to point out that his thinking is largely extraverted; he is more concerned about other people than he might let on, due to his affable, louder than life mouth.  Yet... it's easy to see his heart is in the right place.  So when he accepts the challenges of Geminai and wins, Gemgem feels satisfied and willing to accept defeat.  If Rob were to be more sensitive to when enough was enough, he would indeed be able to win Geminai's heart, because he would be paying enugh attention to tell when Ashley is dominant and submissive and reciprocate in kind.  It kind of works like this: Geminai sees how easily I allow myself to be dominated in public and thinks to herself "wimp..." but the fact is, I AM LETTING ASHLEY WIN NATURALLY.  I didn't plan for that to happen, but now that I'm aware of it I CAN plan for it to happen and as a result force Geminai to realize my genius.

The split is obvious, and my path of action is clear: determine when Geminai is out and CHALLENGE Gemgem to remind her that I am NOT a wimp!
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A gift.  
12:21am 20/03/2011
A blade.Collapse )
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