Great, now one of them is unable to admit what I did (or is simply refusing to) and is blaming it on the shadow.
I know what I did. I may be sorry for it, but that doesn't change the fact I nearly wrenched her shoulder out of place this time. So now I'm forced to wonder if I've raped her a few times on top of it? It sounds like she didn't tell me when it happened, but I've been of the impression that every time has been consentual. PLUS I'm forced to wonder about the times I was told something like this happened while she was with Rob. I mean I don't have any other evidence other than her word.
I need help sorting things out. I know I am to blame for the shoulder being sore, but everything from before has been called into question because of it. Am I really the cause of the rapings or is someone else? Either way, not much can be done about it now... memories are now too twisted to figure out anything. Maybe someone wants to claw me because I actually DID do something she doesn't like and she's been repressing it for a while now. Though I wouldn't be surprised if something like this happened in sixth grade for her either making her not want to be here.
Someone had this to say about the one time Rob got told he couldn't have sex with her for a while: I was told that it was because she was thinking of me that she didn't want to do stuff with him at that moment. Pressure into sex sounds like rape to me, so that's how I addressed it, especially if someone wasn't willing. No I don't like doing that shit and if I have someone tell me somehow. But what exactly happened that night?
Also worrying is studies showing hypnosis ineffective in recalling old memories, and large amounts of reluctance in admitting that details were remembered wrong during it. So.... what the hell was I watching when I saw that psychotherapy room? They were actually hypnotizing the patient and having false memories implanted into their mind so they would be less afraid to accept the other parts of themselves?!
Psychological medicine IS freaky. Very freaky indeed. I for one do not want to be living any sort of lie. That's why I incessantly check anything I think happened against reality. Maybe that's why all that we did online feels so distant. All that we have of it are logs of what was going on, and visual memories of things we saw while it was going on. None of it is a substitute for reality. I used to do so much to verify how realistic my fantasies could actually be, but I always acknowledged my fantasies as fantasies. Just things online could happen more easily than in person as long as they were consentual.
MY MEMORIES SAY I STOPPED HER FROM CHOKING HERSELF AND IN FRUSTRATION FINALLY WRENCHED HER SHOULDER SO SHE COULDN'T CHOKE HERSELF ANYMORE. I trust my memories because she's got a sore left shoulder, the same one I remember wrenching. It's only 4 hours since I did that, far too little time for me to remember it incorrectly. I'm trying to show her why that's such a bad idea even in my frustration- it hurts to die. I hate feeling helpless against the self destructive nature of one's repression and denial of reality. Why must MY sanity be tested along with it? Every single person she has ever met and known in this way has broken down and asked themselves, "WHAT DO I DO?!"
No more going down. We go up from here on out. First, we get insurance looked at. Then, we find someone who can actually help. Finally, she faces her inner demons and either moves on from them, or gives into them entirely. Nobody is to send her to the depths without proper instruction and knowledge. If that means I have to singlehandedly dig up all the information myself, so be it! I either pass or fail right along with her. She might even drive me insane as a result. Just give me the same padded room if that happens. I'm tired of people leaving her just because of these decisions. Everyone deserves someone just as insane as they are.
I am partly scared of her leaving me because I finally do something that drives her away from me. But I won't live in fear of that forever. I'll eventually know if something I'm doing or something I don't play upon finally happens where she ends up wanting to go... because she'll just do it.
Okay if the point hasn't been made yet by this whole entry, here's a few things one can infer about me:
1. I am thinking a great deal about her and moreso every day.
2. I am concerned for her mental health as she fails to be honest with reality.
3. I wanna marry her despite all the shit and everything that might drive ME to the loony bin. I respect anyone with that much power. Besides, I asked her to do it anyway... do I still want to be broken by her?